i remember those mornings in tanzania.

I remember waking up to my leader's alarm and hearing that same song as we roused ourselves from sleep.  I remember huddling in my sleeping bag to hide from the chill as long as possible.  I remember the breakfast of noodles, cucumber, chapati and eggs.  I remember cup after cup of steaming hot tea.  I remember laughing at stories about the sleep-talkers and soaking in my beautiful team.  I remember that peace that came with knowing that hours of time in the secret place with Him awaited me.


I remember hoping it would never end, and I remember the feeling of denial that it had to.

I remember a lot of things, and often they make my heart hurt.  Like the tears and giggles of my Uganda babies.  The Kenyan street boys.  Little Ezra, sick and not even a day old- the joy of his mother when I prayed over him. My baby girl.  Those teenage girls at Beulah teaching me to dance and loving me even more when I utterly failed.  The woman who had been sick for six years weeping as we laid hands on her.  That same woman's neighbor, laughing for joy at the sight of us in her house.  Joshua getting so excited about my major.  My team just being my team, ridiculous and loving and imperfect and beautiful.  

I remember, and I wish it wasn't in my past.  I wish it was my present.  But I am here, not there, learning to trust that God is still just as present, just as powerful, just as relevant... And learning to trust in the promise that moments like those I remember also exist in my future.   

being

We are justified, we are saved, by faith and not by works.  

But even before that, we were loved.  While we were still sinners, Jesus died for us.  I was loved before that week of camp one summer when I heard the Gospel.  You were deeply adored before your own birth.  That CEO and that addict and that preacher and that girl next door were all driving a King crazy with His love for them even before time began.  

Before we did anything, we were loved.  Before we willingly asked for Him, He wanted us.  We may be saved by faith, but we are loved without sense.  Not by works, but by our mere existence, the Creator radically adores us.

I've known in my head for awhile that life with God is about abiding in Him, about simply being in His presence.  This summer, my heart finally really learned that.  It's so easy for us to say that our works are what show our faith; and in many cases, they are.  But what if one day, you couldn't "do" anything?  What then?  Would you be content with not being able to do?  Could you be content to just be?  To just exist in His presence?  Could I?  

 

In Africa, we didn't have to do.  The Africans valued our presence.  They valued us being there with them.  They valued time.  Our questions of "Well, what can we do?" stood out and even felt wrong.  They wanted our presence more than our plans, our being more than our actions.

So I look at a man sitting on the side of the road, or I see a child with a grin on their face, or an older woman whose laugh lines and weathered skin speak of deep wells of experience - and I want to tell their story. 

But others look at them and don't see the story as worth hearing.  "Why?" they ask impatiently.  "But what have they done?"

I don't care what they've done, I say.  They just are.  They exist.

Why is that not enough?  

unapologetic

I was talking to one of my cousins briefly today about my upcoming mission trip to Africa.  She's done the World Race and worked with the organization I'm going with before, so she's had a lot of experience.  At one point in our conversation, she asked me, "So, do people think you're crazy?"

My answer?  Without any hesitation, yes.  

She just laughed and completely understood.  I mean, it's true.  The list of people who don't think I'm crazy is very, very short at the moment.  Apparently, what my team and I are doing doesn't make sense. 

On some level, I get that.  But then again, I don't.  Especially when it comes to other Christians I know.  In my head, I feel like this makes perfect sense.  Yes, it's going to be uncomfortable, and smelly, and dirty, and probably a little bit dangerous.  But hello, have you ever read the Christmas story?  The animals were definitely smelly, the manger was assuredly dirty, Herod wasn't exactly the grandfatherly type, and I can assure you that if you asked Mary she would tell you that Messiah or not, giving birth is uncomfortable.  But lo and behold, into all that discomfort and dirt and stench comes The Baby, the one truly worthy of adoration, a child worth getting excited about.

So with that in mind, I think it is perfectly reasonable for me to be excited for my own messy, smelly, uncomfortable adventure God has set in motion this summer.  Especially because it's not really my own; it's His, completely and fully.  He's just blessed me with the opportunity to take part in His plan to wreak a havoc of love on the East African landscape.  

I know God is going to do great things, and I'm excited about it.  It's hard to be so excited about something and then not see others getting excited, or at least trying to understand where that feeling comes from.  So please forgive me if I get a little bit frustrated by people who look at me funny when I say I'm going on a two-month mission trip.  Yes, to all of you who are wondering, it might seem more responsible to get a job or to take summer courses to get ahead on credit hours instead of going on this trip.  But God calls us to a higher plan than better grades or a nice cushion in our budget.  I'm chasing after what he told me to pursue: Him.  And His will.  And His people.  If that means "wasting" my summer, so be it.  

So yes, I'm excited.  I'm more than excited.  I want June 1st to be here tomorrow.  I want God to sweep down and rain love and healing over Uganda, Kenya, and Tanzania.  I want him to blow my mind, and the minds of each and every member of my team.  I'm tired of holding that excitement in just so I can appear properly dignified in public.  I'm ready to jump up and down and wave my hands around and talk about it to everyone who asks, because God has placed this conviction and this passion in my heart.  And for that, I will not apologize.

So if my excitement is offensive to you, I'm not sorry.  Just know that if I seem to be on fire, it's because my soul has been touched by the One who set the sun ablaze.  And He is too big to be denied. 

thursday

Today is a Thursday, and I got up and had a biscuit for breakfast. I went to class and did some research and talked to people.  I came back to my room and then went out again to get lunch with my roommate. I wished that there was a little more sun and a little less chance of rain. I ate a salad and checked my facebook and made a to-do list; I failed a game of minesweeper and won a game of solitaire. I did some homework and listened to some music.  Tonight, I will get dinner with my friends and go to a FOCUS meeting and make sure my reading is done for tomorrow's classes. 

Yes, today is a Thursday, and all is normal.

except...

Today is a Thursday.  I got up on the edges of a happy dream.  I didn't have a headache for the first time in several days.  I had time to make hot chocolate to take to my class.  My toenails are painted and I feel pretty.  I laughed and joked and smiled with my roommate as we ate.  I looked at the clouds and saw the rain that was coming and knew it just meant that more green things would grow.  I checked my facebook and praised God for my friends.  I made a to-do list and smiled because of all the extra time I finally have... 

Today is a Thursday and tonight, I will get dinner with friends I love and am so blessed to know.  I will go to a FOCUS meeting with an awesome team that has blessed me and grown me and stretched me over this past year.  Today is a Thursday and seven weeks from tomorrow, I will head off on an adventure that I know will wreck and reshape my life.  

Today is a Thursday and I am praising God for thunderstorms and prayers in the rain, for friendships and laughing and tears, for chances I don't deserve to take and yet He gives them to me anyway.

Today is a Thursday, and I am redeemed.  I am loved.  I am blessed.  I am full.

And I am gently reminded that there shouldn't be so many "I's" included in the words I speak.

So,  more importantly: 
Today is a Thursday, and God is good.  He is enough.  He is more.  He is here.  He has provided, rebuked, healed, forgiven, broken, rebuilt, and loved this twisted little heart of mine into something better than it was yesterday.  
Oh my soul, praise Him.       

process, part one

I've been learning a lot about process lately, about how things (at least things of value) take time.  Especially when it comes to closure and preparation.  God has been bringing me through both of those kinds of processes over the past few weeks.

Going through the process of finding closure has been one of my most recent journeys of note with the Lord.  It's not an easy experience.  I guess it's my stubbornness to resist God when he's taking his time that makes it harder than it needs to be.  My impatient, now-now-now-get-it-done-quick self wants an easy fix, to move on to the next good thing.  That whole deal is done, and it wasn't all fun, and it's hard to think about sometimes, so let's move on and be happy again, right?  That's how I think a lot.  Impatiently.  But that quick and easy fix doesn't bring healing.  It's like trying to put some ointment and a band-aid on a snake bite.  It doesn't make any sense or do any good, and the poison simply spreads.  We are so adamant about a punishment that fits the crime; why are we so dismissive of a healing to fit our hurt? 


Anyways, God's been teaching me a lot in this area, particularly when it comes to teaching me to slow down and be willing to let him do stuff his way.  He is the Healer, and desires to see his children whole from the inside out.  He isn't interested in triage or pain-free treatments.  He is interested in growth, change, and transformation of the deepest kind and in the most dangerous way.  I think of the boy who was changed into the dragon in C.S. Lewis' Voyage of the Dawn Treader, whom Aslan was more than willing to make human again.  The process was not painless and it took awhile, but the end result was beautiful and something to be talked about; much more preferable to an easy patch-up or ignoring the problem. 


God is more than an easy fix.  We are the clay; the Lord is the potter, and wants to make us into vessels full of truth and life.  The process involves bending and submission on our part.  It requires malleability.  It's not necessarily fun; but it makes us all the more whole, and gives the Lord all the more glory.


Finally, through the process, we grow.  I have grown.  I am growing.  I am healing more fully and completely.  I am growing to understand more of who the Lord calls me to be.  I am becoming stronger, I am maturing.  I am coming to recognize more of His abounding grace and overflowing mercy.  And as if the list wasn't already overwhelming enough, I can add one more reason to praise Him.          

Let it begin with me.

I don't even know what to say, other than God is good.  

It's one of those days.  You know, the sun is out.  It's delightfully cold.  The sky is a paler version of what would be electric blue.  Fresh biscuits were put out right as I got to the front of the breakfast line.  Something about the coffee tasted extra good today.

I don't know what it is really.  I just woke up feeling full.  

Today, God seems wild.  Big.  Breath-taking.  Present.  So good, His goodness seems threatening.  Like if I tried to comprehend how big and good He is, my head might explode.  If that makes sense.

Let it begin with me.

I went on a FOCUS ministry trip last semester.  We went to a church in Hickory for a weekend to work with the youth, have a sort of retreat weekend with them where we did our best to love them and pour into them, to try to communicate to them what we know of the things of God.

That Saturday morning, we went as a group to a prayer labyrinth.  It was a really cool experience.  The morning was a lot like this one - bright and quiet and cool and peaceful.  It was my first time participating in a prayer labyrinth, and I loved it.  Right as you entered this particular one, there was a flat rock on the sandy ground with a simple engraving on it:

"Let it begin with me." 

That phrase really stuck with me that whole weekend and in the time since.  I keep returning to it somehow.  Eventually, I had to act on it.  And as I'm finally beginning to learn this and practice it, I can feel the effects.  Letting it begin with Him.  What ever "it" may be.  My day, my decisions, my relationships, my spending, my learning, my loving, my healing, my life.    

He was the One who began it all anyway.  Who am I to try to deny the Beginner of all things credit?  Or His right to begin what He wants how He wants?  Who am I to think that any beginning I could come up with could be better than the one planned by the Ultimate Author and Finisher?

I'm not claiming to know much about the ins and outs and interpretations of the book of Revelation.  I have no education or experience with that book, much less do I have any idea of how to figure out the symbolism and imagery.  But this part of the text seems pretty understandable concerning who is speaking, and the truth contained in it rings out clearly:

And the one who was seated on the throne said, '"See, I am making all things new."  Also he said, "Write this, for these words are trustworthy and true."  Then he said to me, "It is done!  I am the Alpha and the Omega, the beginning and the end...

-Revelation 21:5-6

Hallelujah to the God who keeps promises and gives good gifts, who gives and takes away, who heals and restores, who rejoices over us and leads us into futures we couldn't have even imagined for ourselves.  The God who transforms and renews us daily.  The God who was and is and is to come. 

He begins because He has a great end in mind.  

"Bless the Lord, O my soul,

and all that is within me,

bless his holy name.

Bless the Lord, O my soul, 

and do not forget all his benefits-

who forgives all your iniquity,

who heals all your diseases,

who redeems your life from the Pit,

who crowns you with steadfast love and mercy,

who satisfies you with good as long as you live

so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's...

...As for mortals, their days are like grass;

they flourish like a flower of the field;

for the wind passes over it, and it is gone,

and its place knows it no more.

But the steadfast love of the Lord is from everlasting to everlasting

on those who fear him,

and his righteousness to children's children, 

to those who keep his covenant and remember to do his commandments.

The Lord has established His throne in the heavens, 

and his kingdom rules over all. 

Bless the Lord, O you his angels,

you mighty ones who do his bidding,

obedient to his spoken word.

Bless the Lord, all his hosts,

his ministers that do his will.

Bless the Lord, all his works, 

in all places of his dominion.

Bless the Lord, O my soul."

-Psalm 103:1-5, 15-22

I want the dirt!

I remember one of the first times (maybe the first time?) I ever went to get a pedicure.

If you know me, you know such events don't happen very often.  But my big sister was home for a few days and wanted to take me out, so I went.  (For the record, it made my feet feel awesome.)  One embarrassing thing did happen, though.  The little old lady doing the pedicure took out the rough sponge-type thing or whatever it's called to exfoliate my feet and began to rub it all on my heels.  My lack of pedicure/foot care experience began to show as a bunch of dead skin began to come off, enough so that the little lady even commented on it.  Yeah, it was gross, and for a middle school age-ish girl it was highly embarrassing.  

I was thinking today about how many times similar experiences have happened to me.  I'm not polished in any sense of the word.  My toenails are lucky if they're painted twice within the space of three months, and my fingernails are always different lengths because I tend to pick at them when bored.  My lips are perpetually chapped come December.  I very rarely pull off the exact look I want in an outfit, if I even bother to go for a look.  I prefer bare feet to shoes any day so that my soles, if not a sight for sore eyes, are certainly a sight to make your eyes sore. 

I could go on, but essentially what I'm saying is that I'm not at all outwardly polished like the world encourages a person to be.

Actually, I don't think I was ever meant to be.  No, I'm not going to be that one who loudly defies every one of society's conceptions of personal beauty care.  I like being clean and looking somewhat normal, thank you very much.  The fact of the matter is that I don't care enough to bother with a lot of it.  I never have.  And considering where I know I'm headed for now, this is a blessing.  Even if I'm in the States, I probably still won't be bothering with a lot of it. And I don't care if I'm a missionary to Kenya, Ukraine, Nepal, or Mexico, I can guarantee I won't be lugging around foot cream and a hair straightener across deserts or through the jungle. 

I came to the realization today that this is exactly what I'm hungry for.  I can't wait.  You see, I want my life to be dirty.  I want it to be characterized by dust between my toes and shaking sand out of my shoes.  I want the sweat and the tears and the mud stains in my jeans.  I want the patched-up clothing and the laugh lines and the weathered skin, not only because it is no less beautiful but because for me it symbolizes a life well lived.   Even a life undignified.

 

a thank you note

This is another post about Ireland.  Sorry if you're sick of hearing about it, but this is my blog, so I'm going to talk about it anyways.  And I feel like this is something that's important for me to share. Thanks :)

Going into Ireland last August, I knew my main challenge would be finding a church community.  I knew it would require stepping out in faith and courage that only the Lord could give- after all, I've attended the same church my entire life, and only ever visited at other churches with friends or family.  But in Ireland, I knew I would have no such safety blanket.  And since the south of Ireland is around 97% Catholic, I knew that it might be hard to actually find a church to go to in the first place.  But despite knowing all of that and praying hard about it for weeks, I actually was not prepared at all for the "religious climate" over there, which was strange and surprising to me, and very different from the States- something I might go into later, but honestly don't want to talk about right now, because that is not what this post is about.  This post is about what I did find.

What I found was a corner of the Kingdom that changed me.
I don't know exactly when it was, except that it was a couple weeks after school started.  I know I had already attended Sunday morning mass a couple times and realized it wasn't exactly going to work (not hating on Catholics, I promise, but that particular community just wasn't enough), and I was feeling comfortable enough at school to actually speak at an audible volume in class. 
We were in Religion class, ironically enough, and doing some activity where we had to list songs we liked.  I was sitting beside my friend Alanna, who saw that I put down a song by Switchfoot.  She goes, "Ooh!  I love them!", and that gets us started on different songs by them that we knew.  Long story short, by the end of class, we had somehow made the connection that we were both Protestant (an extreme coincidence in a Catholic school, and I truly believe that connection was a moment orchestrated by God).  She invited me to her youth group that Friday, and to her church.  I decided to go, and she gave me directions.
Well, Friday night came.  I took the miniature map she'd drawn for me and grabbed my jacket, and set off to walk to the youth group.  Honestly, I was freaking out the whole way.  I kept wanting to turn around, but my feet wouldn't seem to let me.  Then I got lost- sort of.  Looking back now, I've figured out that if I'd followed the road around another bend, I would have made it in time.  But fear did get the better of me... I turned around and sat on a bench by the ocean for a few minutes, not knowing what else to do, and then walked the thirty minute route back home again.  Rationalizing it all was easy- after all, what's another week?  It'll be fine, I'll just ask for more specific directions on Monday and show up the next time!  It will be great!

Well, Jesus wasn't having that.

I arrived home thinking that everyone was gone for the night except me.  Little did I know that a friend of the family had come over and had delayed my host mother from leaving... So I walk in to exclamations of, "Carrie dear!  Is the meeting not on?  Why are you back so soon?"  I explained that I couldn't find the place, it was fine, I'd just go next week- but no.  This particular family friend, God love her, was... insistent.  And persistent.  She somehow managed to pack my reluctant self (and my equally enthusiastic host mother) into her little blue car and made it her mission to find the cottage where the group met.  "You are not going to spend your Friday night alone in that big old house!" she stated firmly, and, well, that was that.  I don't think the devil himself could have argued her out of that one.
Anyways, I arrived nearly an hour late, my cheeks red from embarrassment and the evening chill (I was not yet used to 50 degree weather in September).  I remember being terribly shy the whole night, but still having this huge sense of relief.  I knew from the moment I was introduced and everyone shouted "HELLO!" back to me that this could be my place, too.   

The church was just the same, maybe even more so.  I remember the moment I walked in to the room where the service was held in the building across from my school, and feeling the presence of God overwhelm me like a sweet, pervasive scent.  The people welcomed me, shook my hand, asked where I was from, how did I hear about the church, how was my week... When we sang the first song in worship, I remember being close to tears because of the huge sense of being right where God wanted me in that moment. 
That community, Tramore Bible Church, is what this post is about.  It is small and beautiful, a corner of the kingdom in the middle of what really is a lost place.  It is bursting with passion and love for God.  It is full of believers who have a vision of Christ's love sweeping through their entire nation, and they are working towards that with all they have.  The people of TBC taught me so much about what true community looks like.   It was a place like none I have ever been in before.
I was writing thank you notes after graduation a few weeks ago, and it struck me that nothing would be more fitting than to write one to the church in Tramore.  I have many more reasons to thank them for what they have done for me than I have reasons to thank most people in my life.  So here it goes.

Dear Tramore Bible Church,

 Thank you.

Thank you for taking in the weird American girl.  Thank you for not judging me or holding me captive to stereotypes.  Thank you for asking me how I was and really meaning it.  Thank you for loving me from the moment I stepped through the door.  Thank you for challenging me and helping me grow.  Thank you for following Christ in such a tangible, authentic way. 

You lot are truly an amazing group.  You stand for something so much greater than yourselves.  You really are salt and light to your town and to your country.  You give so much of yourselves and ask for nothing in return.  I know this because I spent five months with you, and I have seen it.  I still get compliments on my going-away presents, the blue top and the ring.  The hat sits on my dresser, and the card you gave me stays firmly tucked in my prayer journal.  Even if I did not get to know every single one of you that well, please realize that each of you impacted me in powerful ways.  I am blessed to have known you, and I feel honored that I was able to worship God with you.

You taught me so much.  You showed me what living in real community with other believers looks like in the day-to-day.  You taught me what it looks like to honestly believe that God can literally shape the nation.  You taught me what it means to really serve others.  You taught me that what I might consider to be a mundane, everyday task can be a beautiful act of service.  You kept me grounded, you helped me keep my eyes on the Lord.  Many times, you kept me sane!  You will never know how many times I was homesick and tired and worn out, but I looked forward to Friday nights with the youth  and Sunday mornings with you guys as the highlights of my week.  

God did so much in me and redeemed so much in my life during my time in Ireland.  There are some things He did that I am only becoming aware of now.  And I know it was completely the Lord who started and is finishing those works- but I also know that many of those works came about because of your faithfulness and your willingness to be Christ to others around you.  And so I thank you for that too. 

I do pray for you, every day.  So does my family.  I'm finding the further I go in my walk with God, the less I seem to know... But I do know this:  God is good, and God is faithful.  God has big plans for you, Tramore Bible Church.  I believe it with everything that I am.  I know I'm young, and it might seem strange to be getting "encouragement" from someone my age, but I hope this note can encourage you in some way. 

I love you all, and I miss you a lot.  I cannot wait to see you again, whenever that may be.

Again, thank you.  

In Christ, 

Carrie Lee Arant

"...For, in fact, the kingdom of God is among you." 

-Luke 17:21

"I thank my God every time I remember you, constantly praying with joy in every one of my prayers for all of you, because of your sharing in the gospel from the first day until now.  I am confident of this, that the one who began a good work among you will bring it to completion by the day of Jesus Christ."

-Philippians 1:3-6

Of all the places to meet

We were quite possibly the four most random people you might expect to meet in a small Irish town, not to mention the four most random people you might expect to become friends.  Four girls: one German, one American, one Brazilian, and one Japanese.  Think about it- what are the odds that we would all be in the same county at generally the same time, and become close friends in the space of months, before spreading out over the globe again?
I miss them a lot.  We had fun times, walking along Tramore Beach and eating chocolate biscuits and watching movies.  We were four of the older students, and among the most long-term exchange students that arrived in August; I was the first to leave, and Leticia went back to Brazil a month later.  Linda and Yuki will stay in Ireland until late June.  All of us made so many friends, and while we may have considered others "best friends", I do think we had a different kind of bond.  I mean, all four of us shared the same experiences of homesickness, dealing with a new culture, and working through struggles with our host families.  It was easier to talk about those things with each other because we could all relate to it.  And because of our different cultures/languages, things always got interesting when we got together.
Anyways, I've been missing them a lot lately, and I figured, what's a blog good for if not for processing things through writing?
So here's my small tribute to our "United Nations"...

LINDA
She's our German, always agreeable and enthusiastic, nodding excitedly and saying "Yah, yah!" whenever we made new plans.  Always positive, even when talking about her own struggles with her host family or homesickness.  I've always heard and read of people who had eyes that "danced", but had never met anyone who actually possessed such eyes until I met Linda.  She really had sparkling, dark blue eyes that were constantly dancing, her wire-curly hair bobbing to the same rhythm.  I rarely saw her without the echoes of a grin on her face.  I miss you, Linda!  I miss how supportive and fun you were.  I hope whenever I get to Germany, or you get to America, we get to see each other again.

LETICIA
This girl was my surfing buddy.  The poor thing was used to the weather of southern Brazil- which did get cold, she said, but was surely nothing like the Irish sea in November.  Still, she would show up from Waterford every weekend and meet us at the surf place to grab a wetsuit and we'd go freeze our butts off for three hours.  We joked about going on one last lesson in January just to say we did, but were never able to.  Leticia was the kind of gorgeous you wanted to hate, but was sweet in a way you couldn't help but love.  She went with the flow, and always had a good idea for how to fill the day.  She could cheer you up in a second.  Ironically, we live the closest to each other out of the four, but are still nearly 4500 miles apart.

YUKI
Oh, Yuki!  My sweet, stylish Japanese friend.  She lived on the other side of Tramore, but I still saw her at school every day.  She would try anything and wanted to experience everything.  Everyone knew Yuki, and everyone knew she was the sweetest, gentlest person you could ever hope to meet.  She was stunning too, and really good at mixing European and Asian fashion into the most amazing outfits.  One of my favorite memories was when it snowed in Tramore and we got a week off of school... There was this big hill that overlooked the sea, and everyone gathered there to sled.  The problem was that no sleds were to be found- so people used skateboards, surfboards (imagine five inches of snow covering everything, and a guy strolling down the street carrying a surfboard), and anything else they could find.  Yuki and I and a bunch of our friends wrapped ourselves in large black trash bags and slid down the hill on our stomachs, then when it got too cold we trekked up to SuperValue for some really cheap hot chocolate.

And then there was me.  But you already know enough about me.

 So yeah...  I miss those three so much.  I miss everyone I met over there so much.  We hope to have a "reuniting trip" somewhere- we jokingly speculated somewhere in Africa or Australia, as those are the only two major continents we don't have covered.  I hope we really are able to get together again one day.

Yuki on the left (with our friend Jill)

Leticia (with chocolate biscuit)

 

 

 

 

 

 

Linda and Leticia

 

 

Bailing for Steve. And other things too.

Monday afternoon and I'm rubbing down my hair, trying to figure out how to hide my sunburned back from my mother when I get home.  From the bathroom, I can hear Conner and Will yelling over Left for Dead.  Caleb is excitedly chattering about the huge sandwich he is making, and Mattie's humming a tune from Tangled.  Emmalee yells at someone trying to take her spot on the couch while Mattie's dad breaks into the conversation with a hilariously awful joke.  I towel myself down some more and start to dress, relishing in that fresh, sunburned, just-in-from-the-beach summer feeling.  It's at that moment that I realize I'm completely content with where I am right now.


Considering where I've been, that's a pretty exciting feeling.  Before Ireland, I just was not in a good place.  While I was in Ireland, well... if you've read any other posts on here, you might have begun to pick up on the fact that it was just a little awesome.  You know.  But really, I feel like God used so much of Ireland to change a lot in my life, and in my relationship with Him.  So then I come back to the States, and all I could think about was Ireland.  For a while, that was all I wanted to talk about.  That was the only place I wanted to be.  And that was hard- not only because there was no way for me to actually go there, but also because most people around me couldn't relate to how I felt at all.  And I'm not saying that as an accusation or anything, it just is what it is.  Several people also had pretty much no interest in my experiences over there either, which was especially hard, because then I felt like I was just sitting around with nothing to say but fit to burst with all the stories I wanted to tell.  I couldn't relate to people I once felt very close to.  To be quite honest, I couldn't relate to the Lord the way I did in Ireland, which is something I'm still dealing with and figuring out.

Basically, it was a tough transition back to America.  That, combined with uncertainty about what I was going to do next year, and other things, made for a rough first couple of months back.


So, all of that said, I know it's been awhile since I posted anything here.  Actually this is my first post back on American soil.  I tried to post more before, but just never got around to it or didn't like it enough when I tried.  Now that my transition home is mostly over though, I'll be trying to post on a more regular basis again (like it was regular before).  As an update on what's been going on, well... I've got about two months of high school left (huzzah!), and my graduation project is done, which means I'm basically coasting until the end of the year.  As for the relating to friends thing, I've reconnected with some, developed several new friendships, and some I'm just waiting to see what happens.  (I'll talk more about that in another post though).  I have a job as a nanny set up this summer.  What am I doing next year?  Well, after considering several very different options, making several pro/con lists, and shedding a few tears, the decision is final that I am going to Gardner-Webb University.  I'm really excited- God truly has good plans in store for me, and I can't wait to see them come to life.

So, with all these things both bringing closure and opening new doors, spring break this week was a welcome time away from school and from life in general.  I went to the beach with my friend Mattie and her family from Sunday to Wednesday, and it was amazing. 

The two lovely ladies I got to spend four crazy days with, Mattie and Emmalee

 Somewhere in the middle of getting some bad sunburn, racing clams, making epic drip castles, saving a sting ray named Steve, watching Lord of the Rings, and jamming out in the minivan, I realized that I've once again been given the gift of peace and contentment.  And it's awesome. 

Conner, Emmalee, and me

So yeah.  I'm back on and posting again from here on out.  Hopefully the coming posts will still be somewhat interesting, even without the whole Ireland aspect to them.... ;)

A quick explanation

Hello there.

This is going to be really quick, because I only have a few minutes online- basically, I wanted to apologise for the lack of updates on here. Our computer at the house has been down for weeks.
A brief update?
Well, basically I have three full days left in this beautiful country. Three.
I'm excited to get home, but terrified to go back to real life. And there are going to be many, many tears on Thursday when I leave school for the last time.

Pray for me- starting Saturday, another new chapter of life begins! I promise to post a full reflection on my exchange as soon as I return and get to a working computer.

Wish me luck on the flights :)

some o' dem numberz that are blowin mah mind.

So... In four days, I will be...*gulp*... and "adult".

I will be Eighteen.
Yeah.  I know.  In four days I will be legally able to do all those stereotypical things people do when they turn eighteen- buy cigarettes, lottery tickets, go clubbing, etc etc etc.  In the eyes of the law I will be an "adult".
I don't feel like I should be eighteen.  Not really.  Good gracious, I just started feeling like a real 17 year old a couple weeks ago.  What happened???  When did I get old?

A few more o' dem numberz:
Eighteen days until I leave Ireland.  EIGHTEEN.  That's only two more weekends.  Only two more youth group meetings.  Three more phone calls home.  (Possibly two.)  This is seriously blowing my mind.  I don't think I've really grasped it.  At all.

So.... yeah.  I've nothing else really to say about that at the moment.  But... wow.

Some photos to brighten your day.

So, my absolutely incredible Christmas gift from my parents this year was an absolutely incredible camera.  Seriously.  It's incredible.  (Funny story:  Two instruction manuals were included in the package... one in French and one in Spanish.  Epic fail.)  As you can expect, I've been playing with it for days now and figuring it all out... It takes gorgeous photographs.  So, here are a few to brighten your day (hopefully) and give you a clearer view of what my little corner of Ireland looks like.

From the beach at sunset... It's not always like this, but when it is, it's definitely worth the cold to go out walking in it!

Seagulls at some place Nina took me today... I don't know what it's called, all I know is you can put in boats and go crabfishing there.  (This is also using the pinhole setting, for you more artsy-photography-types that might be interested)

The sunset tonight.  Absolutely breathtaking.  The clouds were amazing.  Seriously, believe it or not, this picture does not do it justice

.

Apparently, my family claims I don't send home/upload enough pictures of myself.  So here we go. 

I just really liked this one  :)  Again, on pinhole setting.

All right, I really hope those pictures load right... Enjoy, everyone!  Happy New Year... I'll be back home soon!

2010. The Year of Insanity.

This year really has been insane.  At least, I think so.  I look back and I am blown away by the places I have been able to go and the people I've been able to meet.  I think this has been a really pivotal year for me, in so many ways.  So, just to share a few highlights... I've never been good at ranking things, so these are in no particular order.

End of Junior Year.
My junior year of high school was easily the most stressful of any I've had.  Taking AP courses, as much as I really did enjoy them, did not help with this stress.  The feeling of elation you get when walking out of an AP final exam is (I think) one you can only know if you have done it yourself.  Those courses and teachers made me learn so much, and for that part I'm grateful- but I'm also grateful not to have to worry over an AP US History DBQ essay or a timed paper in AP English.  So the end of Junior year was definitely a sweet one.  One of my favorite memories was the day of my final AP exam (English), my mom and grandmother picked up my friend Ashley and I and treated us to lunch at Salsarita's.  Of course, Salsarita's being right beside a big toy store, we quickly found an excuse to go inside, and remained there playing with random toys for a lot longer than necessary.  (You are jealous of how cool we are.  You know it.)

International Chorus
I don't know where to start with this.  I can easily pinpoint this trip as one of the most life changing, well, of my entire life.  It didn't result in a huge alteration of how I lived or anything, but I grew so much in confidence on those ten days that looking back it blows my mind.  Like I said in my trip report, it was like a youth choir tour on steroids, but better.  I met 32 amazing young men and women of God from all over the US, all of whom I know will be friends for life.  I loved everything about this trip- the people, the music, the ministry and fellowship, the places (especially Quebec City)... everything.  I was so incredibly blessed to go... Hopefully this summer I can go again!

Bray's Island
Every year, my dad's side of the family takes a one or two week trip to the beach- the past couple of years it's been to my aunt and uncle's place at Bray's Island.  This family vacation is something I look forward to each year, so it kind of just seems natural to have it listed here.

IRELAND
(This is a big enough topic, and certainly the biggest thing to happen to me all year, so I feel like it's necessary to have subheadings as well.)
-The people I have met.  They are as different from each other in personalities and backgrounds as you could ever imagine, and just the vast range of people I know from being here is astonishing.  For example: Through friendships I have made here, I now have connections to Ireland (obviously), England, Wales, Germany, Belgium, Italy, Nigeria, Ukraine, Austria, Spain, Portugal, Japan, Brazil, Australia, the Philippines, and more.  Yeah.  It's crazy.  Actually, if you think about it, I now have a pretty much direct connection to every continent except Antarctica (don't worry, I'll get there soon- haha).  But it's not just the many different places they come from- it's just the idea of meeting so many people that I never would have known even existed if it weren't for coming here.  And now not only do I know them, but I've had the opportunity to share everyday life with them for five months.  That's been the most eye-opening and wonderful gift.
-The new things I have tried.  This includes more than I probably will be able to think of right now... Surfing, for one.  I love the sport, and getting to tell people that I surfed in Ireland in the middle of November is going to be great.  Sledding down a hill on black plastic bags and surfboards was very fun.  I've also been able to explore my artsy side a bit more, especially drawing.  It's been really fun to see what I can do with that.  Oh, and new foods- not as many as you might expect, but still quite a few.  Christmas weekend alone, I tried mussels, white wine, and plum pudding for the first time (The mussels were nice, the wine interesting, and the plum pudding... not my favourite).  I've eaten a lot of fish and developed my taste for it here.  There have been so many new experiences, I can't really remember them all.
-One-of-a-kind memories in general.  I've climbed up into a thousand-year-old ruin of a castle and watched the sunset.  I've played capture the flag in an Irish forest with a bunch of teenagers.  I've hidden behind a pillow with a friend eating sweets while everyone else watches Nightmare on Elm Street.  I've walked along Tramore Beach taking photos and eating greasy chips from Dooley's (ok, not so one-of-a-kind, but still a good memory).  I've danced the strangest dance you've ever seen to Poker Face with a French actor on stage.  I've played group bonding games with ten other exchange students in a random lot in Wexford County.  I've risked death crossing a rain-soaked street with a friend and some hilarious random stranger.  So many memories!... I've loved every minute of it.
-The Lord showing up.  So much.  This entire time in Ireland, though I've tried to tell in a few blog posts about what he's been revealing, it's hard to narrow it down to a couple things, much less put it into words what God has done, because it seems to change or be added to all the time.  He's been revealing his tender love, his infinite strength, his faithfulness, his provision, his protection, his goodness.  Nearly every day I'm overwhelmed all over again by the sheer size of the Lord, a size I can't even fathom.  He has been so sweet to me, so gentle, and yet firm in calling me out on things that keep me distant and keep me apart from Him, calling me into a deeper understanding of what it means to be Christ-like, and helping me to start living in Him in a whole new way.  I felt like last summer was preparing me for this time in Ireland... now I feel like this time in Ireland has been preparing me for going home.  Probably preparing me for life in general.  I can't wait for the future... but I'm learning to just be with Him for now in the present as well.

So... yeah.  Those are the big things.  I'll probably post this and then immediately think of something else significant that I should have put in here somewhere, but oh well.  It's all good.  Happy New Year!!

Yes, I am one of the most inconsistent bloggers ever. I own it.

Happy Holidays, everyone!

OK, I am a bit late, I admit.  But better late than never!
Christmas away from home was a bit crazy, but also (a bit unexpectedly) fun.  First off, the build up to Christmas wasn't really there- the week prior we had a bunch of exams in school, and the perfectionist inside me that I never can seem to completely shake off had me focusing on those more than was really necessary.  However, lunchtime on the day before break resulted in a weird kind of "Christmas rave" type thing in the music room that was highly enjoyable and made me partially lose my voice.  At the house, our water situation was a bit shaky all week.  First the pipes froze, so we only had water in the kitchen... On Christmas Day one of the pipes in the attic actually burst, and a couple days later all of Tramore's water had to be cut off for a few hours to fix a leak in the main line or something.  It's been interesting, and actually kind of fun.  Now our water is almost completely back to normal, but I feel like we're all still being very careful in case something else should go wrong.
Other than that, there were no real big problems- though personally I had a scare or two with the tree (the cat, Lizzie, seems to develop an affinity for climbing Christmas trees when cooped up too long).
Christmas Day itself was unexpectedly enjoyable.  I say "unexpectedly" because, well, being away from home for Christmas for the first time, I was kind of preparing myself for a bit of a rough day.  The exact opposite happened- I got up that morning and went to church (which was filled with an awesome Christmas Day atmosphere of joy and laughter), opened my first package that afternoon, and then late afternoon/evening we had a big Christmas dinner with some family friends and opened presents.  The generosity of my host family and the grace of the Lord overwhelmed me the entire day.

So now, Christmas is over until 2011.  It is New Year's Eve.  I am thirteen days away from being a legal adult.  I am 27 days away from going home.  I have been so blessed with so many crazy experiences this entire last year, especially these last few months in Ireland.  Just so that this post isn't too crazy long, I'm going to put all my cheesy memories from 2010 in a different one.
So, I hope all of your holidays were lovely, and I hope you have a fantastic New Year!  I'll be seeing all of you Americans soon...

SNOW

The snow is absolutely beautiful.  It started last Saturday and has not stopped- last night we got who knows how many more inches.  It's glittering and white and freezing.  I went for a walk down by the beach yesterday and got some cool shots- however I have no camera cord with me here to upload them.  Instead, my marvelous (and talented) friend Abigail agreed to let me use a few of hers to share with everyone back home. 

 

Enjoy!  Happy December... :)

Thanksgiving

*This post was supposed to be published on Saturday... oops.  


This year marks my first Thanksgiving away from home.
Yes, for me this is quite a big deal.

I don't know what it is about Thanksgiving that makes it seem so important to me.  I guess it might because I associate it with turkey and stuffing and pies and hot drinks and all kinds of good food, not to mention some of the best family time of the year.  On both sides, we all get together- cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents and all- to spend time together and eat three times our body weight and lounge around watching the parades on television because we're too stuffed to move.  Thanksgiving is the kickoff to the Christmas season (in my family, we traditionally get our tree the weekend after almost every year).  Oh, and the leftovers are pretty darn good too.
Basically, I love Thanksgiving.  It is a fantastic holiday, and one of my favorite times of the year.  So being away from home is kind of a weird feeling, especially since here it's just a normal week as usual.  But I'm going to celebrate in whatever way I can- and since I've never actually seriously made on before, I'm going to give one of these "Things I'm Thankful For" lists a go.


1. The snow outside.  I woke up this morning to my host sister running in saying, "Look!  It's snowing!" and throwing open the window.  Big, fat flakes were swirling down and there was probably a good three inches on the ground already.  About five inches fell in total today- a beautiful kick off to the Christmas season!  (For those of you who are wondering, it snows in Ireland about as often as it does in Charlotte, NC.  Maybe even less.  So it was a pretty big shock to everyone.  And a great adventure.)

2. My family.  I was doing great on the homesickness end, until Thursday.  (Give me until Monday, and it will pass.)  I got6 to talk to my brother, brother-in-law, both sisters, and my parents on the phone all at the same time on Thursday evening, and I loved it.  I think this exchange has made me realise not just how much I love my family, but how close-knit we really are and how much we do together.  "Absence makes the heart grow fonder" is certainly true... and while I love my time here and I'm going to enjoy every second left of it, there's also a bit of me that can't wait until the Saturday night I get back and get to sit around the old wooden dinner table with the creaky benches and watch my mom run around setting out dinner, and laugh at my dad teasing her and making absurd jokes, and listen to my little sister getting so excited she talks too fast for anyone to understand.

3. My extended family.  This does deserve a point all to itself.  Let's just say I'm so thankful to have been blessed with a big group of great cousins and aunts and uncles and grandparents, all of whom I miss so incredibly much.  I remember several Saturday evenings where I have happily told my friends no, I have a family thing tonight, I can't go out- because I know that each and every time we get together, we're going to have fun.  No, we're not the perfect picture of a family, we're a bit eccentric and a bit loud and we get on each other's nerves a lot; but we've got a bunch of good cooks and bad inside jokes and plenty of love to go around.  (Cheesy?  Yes.  The truth?  Also yes.)

4. Hot tea on cold winter days.  Also, sweet iced tea on hot summer days.  Apart from water, tea is the best thirst quencher on earth.  Enough said.


5. I can't believe I'm saying it... but I'm thankful for social networking.  It's kept me in touch with a lot of people while I'm here, and has made that bit a lot easier.  So as much as I do hate it, I'm thankful for it.  Farmville can still go die in a hole, though.


6. Creation.  This one sounds weird, I know.  But I love being outside, I love seeing the beauty of this incredible earth that our God has made.  There are so many different directions I could go with this, too- I love the sea because of its unpredictable nature and the immense power it holds, I love the mountains and the way they make me feel so small and yet remind me of my significance, I love big fat trees that you can climb all day and don't even bend under your weight.  I love freshly cut fields and I love quiet old woods.  I never feel the Lord's presence quite like I do when I'm outdoors in the middle of the creation.  I just love it so much. 

7. Good books.  I think there's a saying about books being like best friends.  That's the best description of what they have been in my life.  I grew up with the idea that books top movies, and believe me, that is completely true.  Sometimes I think books are often just an outlet for people who imagine up all these "what if" questions that would be laughed at if spoken aloud- so they put them in books instead, and all of a sudden they become something worthwhile.  Basically, books are awesome.  (Need recommendations? The Hunger Games trilogy is excellent.  Francine Rivers is one of my favorite authors as well- I particularly like A Lineage of Grace and the Mark of the Lion trilogy.  Those are some of my favorites, anyways.)

8. Getting to come to Ireland. For so many reasons.  This has been one of the most incredible adventures of my life, and while it's not fun 100% of the time and there's a lot of normal life in between the crazy moments and hilarious memories, I'm learning that normal doesn't have to mean boring.  I'm so thankful to everyone who helped to get me here- especially my parents.  They worked hard to help me get to where I am, and I don't think I thank them enough for that.


9. Long, warm socks.  You can probably figury out why.

A lot more, too.... But that's a long enough list for now, I think.  :)
Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!

A quote I love from an interview I just found with Stanley Hauerwas:  "So Christians have to engage the world in which we find ourselves. We're in love with the world because God is in love with the world...."

Just felt like sharing it :)

What Grace is Mine

God is so good.

I mentioned in this post a bit about what God has been doing in me these past few months.  (OK, I more than mentioned it.)  The irony is that literally the day after I posted that, I went into this period of deep homesickness (mixed with other not-so-fun emotions) that could probably be called the ultimate low point of my time here.  I knew this was coming sometime- everything anyone tells you about culture shock always includes you having a time around the middle of your stay where your happiness level is pretty much below zero- but having it hit so suddenly was a bit unnerving.  I'll just say here and now that once again, I am so thankful to have the Lord in my life, because I don't know how I would have dealt with that alone. 
Overall, one of the main things that I've been learning is how daily life with God looks.  And there's this one word that keeps coming to mind: discipline.
This is not a fun thing for me, to be honest.  I've never been good with discipline.  I'm very experienced in procrastination, and justifying my own reasons for putting things off.  This has often included my quiet times with God- I put it off or I do it so quickly because I feel like I can do it right after this TV show, or right after checking my Facebook, or even just after I finish this homework assignment.  After all, doesn't God want me to enjoy life?  Doesn't he want me to stay in touch with people I love?  Doesn't he want my to have good prospects for a happy future?
Well, yes, he wants me to enjoy life.  Yes, I believe he does want to surround me with people who I can love and support and get the same in return.  Yes, he has great plans for a wonderful future for me.  But if that's all apart from Him, if that enjoyable life is not found to be enjoyable because of Him, if that want for friends is not rooted from a desire to be a living witness, if that future is from my own plans and not from His dreams... it amounts to nothing.  I've heard the phrase "He is jealous for me" many times before, but I never grasped what it meant until now.  He is jealous for me.  He wants me all to himself!  His ideas of a promising future are completely different from what I had in mind, and they are much more dangerous and thrilling and beautiful.  One of the things he gave me in a prayer time recently was a reminder that He knows how to love his children well.  I need to learn how to let him.  And I think I am learning... though I have a long way to go.
Basically, what I've been trying to say is that for the first time, I'm making a point to set apart time every single day, to pray, to read my Bible, to just spend time with the Lord.  I've never been good with discipline- but I'm improving.  It may sound boring and mundane, but let me tell you that the last couple of weeks have been some of the most grace-filled and wonderful that I have experienced in all of my life.  Literally.  I feel like the Lord is everywhere- I've been seeing him working in insane ways, not in my life alone, but in many of my friend's lives, in stories I've heard both here and back home.  It's the most humbling feeling to know that I serve a God like that!  A God who is SO big and SO powerful, and completely in control- who gives us a future and a hope that we cannot know apart from Him.

And the most exciting thing about all of this?
This isn't arrival.  There's so much more to come.