*This post was supposed to be published on Saturday... oops.
This year marks my first Thanksgiving away from home.
Yes, for me this is quite a big deal.
I don't know what it is about Thanksgiving that makes it seem so important to me. I guess it might because I associate it with turkey and stuffing and pies and hot drinks and all kinds of good food, not to mention some of the best family time of the year. On both sides, we all get together- cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents and all- to spend time together and eat three times our body weight and lounge around watching the parades on television because we're too stuffed to move. Thanksgiving is the kickoff to the Christmas season (in my family, we traditionally get our tree the weekend after almost every year). Oh, and the leftovers are pretty darn good too.
Basically, I love Thanksgiving. It is a fantastic holiday, and one of my favorite times of the year. So being away from home is kind of a weird feeling, especially since here it's just a normal week as usual. But I'm going to celebrate in whatever way I can- and since I've never actually seriously made on before, I'm going to give one of these "Things I'm Thankful For" lists a go.
1. The snow outside. I woke up this morning to my host sister running in saying, "Look! It's snowing!" and throwing open the window. Big, fat flakes were swirling down and there was probably a good three inches on the ground already. About five inches fell in total today- a beautiful kick off to the Christmas season! (For those of you who are wondering, it snows in Ireland about as often as it does in Charlotte, NC. Maybe even less. So it was a pretty big shock to everyone. And a great adventure.)
2. My family. I was doing great on the homesickness end, until Thursday. (Give me until Monday, and it will pass.) I got6 to talk to my brother, brother-in-law, both sisters, and my parents on the phone all at the same time on Thursday evening, and I loved it. I think this exchange has made me realise not just how much I love my family, but how close-knit we really are and how much we do together. "Absence makes the heart grow fonder" is certainly true... and while I love my time here and I'm going to enjoy every second left of it, there's also a bit of me that can't wait until the Saturday night I get back and get to sit around the old wooden dinner table with the creaky benches and watch my mom run around setting out dinner, and laugh at my dad teasing her and making absurd jokes, and listen to my little sister getting so excited she talks too fast for anyone to understand.
3. My extended family. This does deserve a point all to itself. Let's just say I'm so thankful to have been blessed with a big group of great cousins and aunts and uncles and grandparents, all of whom I miss so incredibly much. I remember several Saturday evenings where I have happily told my friends no, I have a family thing tonight, I can't go out- because I know that each and every time we get together, we're going to have fun. No, we're not the perfect picture of a family, we're a bit eccentric and a bit loud and we get on each other's nerves a lot; but we've got a bunch of good cooks and bad inside jokes and plenty of love to go around. (Cheesy? Yes. The truth? Also yes.)
4. Hot tea on cold winter days. Also, sweet iced tea on hot summer days. Apart from water, tea is the best thirst quencher on earth. Enough said.
5. I can't believe I'm saying it... but I'm thankful for social networking. It's kept me in touch with a lot of people while I'm here, and has made that bit a lot easier. So as much as I do hate it, I'm thankful for it. Farmville can still go die in a hole, though.
6. Creation. This one sounds weird, I know. But I love being outside, I love seeing the beauty of this incredible earth that our God has made. There are so many different directions I could go with this, too- I love the sea because of its unpredictable nature and the immense power it holds, I love the mountains and the way they make me feel so small and yet remind me of my significance, I love big fat trees that you can climb all day and don't even bend under your weight. I love freshly cut fields and I love quiet old woods. I never feel the Lord's presence quite like I do when I'm outdoors in the middle of the creation. I just love it so much.
7. Good books. I think there's a saying about books being like best friends. That's the best description of what they have been in my life. I grew up with the idea that books top movies, and believe me, that is completely true. Sometimes I think books are often just an outlet for people who imagine up all these "what if" questions that would be laughed at if spoken aloud- so they put them in books instead, and all of a sudden they become something worthwhile. Basically, books are awesome. (Need recommendations? The Hunger Games trilogy is excellent. Francine Rivers is one of my favorite authors as well- I particularly like A Lineage of Grace and the Mark of the Lion trilogy. Those are some of my favorites, anyways.)
8. Getting to come to Ireland. For so many reasons. This has been one of the most incredible adventures of my life, and while it's not fun 100% of the time and there's a lot of normal life in between the crazy moments and hilarious memories, I'm learning that normal doesn't have to mean boring. I'm so thankful to everyone who helped to get me here- especially my parents. They worked hard to help me get to where I am, and I don't think I thank them enough for that.
9. Long, warm socks. You can probably figury out why.
A lot more, too.... But that's a long enough list for now, I think. :)
Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Thursday, November 18, 2010
A quote I love from an interview I just found with Stanley Hauerwas: "So Christians have to engage the world in which we find ourselves. We're in love with the world because God is in love with the world...."
Just felt like sharing it :)
Just felt like sharing it :)
What Grace is Mine
God is so good.
I mentioned in this post a bit about what God has been doing in me these past few months. (OK, I more than mentioned it.) The irony is that literally the day after I posted that, I went into this period of deep homesickness (mixed with other not-so-fun emotions) that could probably be called the ultimate low point of my time here. I knew this was coming sometime- everything anyone tells you about culture shock always includes you having a time around the middle of your stay where your happiness level is pretty much below zero- but having it hit so suddenly was a bit unnerving. I'll just say here and now that once again, I am so thankful to have the Lord in my life, because I don't know how I would have dealt with that alone.
Overall, one of the main things that I've been learning is how daily life with God looks. And there's this one word that keeps coming to mind: discipline.
This is not a fun thing for me, to be honest. I've never been good with discipline. I'm very experienced in procrastination, and justifying my own reasons for putting things off. This has often included my quiet times with God- I put it off or I do it so quickly because I feel like I can do it right after this TV show, or right after checking my Facebook, or even just after I finish this homework assignment. After all, doesn't God want me to enjoy life? Doesn't he want me to stay in touch with people I love? Doesn't he want my to have good prospects for a happy future?
Well, yes, he wants me to enjoy life. Yes, I believe he does want to surround me with people who I can love and support and get the same in return. Yes, he has great plans for a wonderful future for me. But if that's all apart from Him, if that enjoyable life is not found to be enjoyable because of Him, if that want for friends is not rooted from a desire to be a living witness, if that future is from my own plans and not from His dreams... it amounts to nothing. I've heard the phrase "He is jealous for me" many times before, but I never grasped what it meant until now. He is jealous for me. He wants me all to himself! His ideas of a promising future are completely different from what I had in mind, and they are much more dangerous and thrilling and beautiful. One of the things he gave me in a prayer time recently was a reminder that He knows how to love his children well. I need to learn how to let him. And I think I am learning... though I have a long way to go.
Basically, what I've been trying to say is that for the first time, I'm making a point to set apart time every single day, to pray, to read my Bible, to just spend time with the Lord. I've never been good with discipline- but I'm improving. It may sound boring and mundane, but let me tell you that the last couple of weeks have been some of the most grace-filled and wonderful that I have experienced in all of my life. Literally. I feel like the Lord is everywhere- I've been seeing him working in insane ways, not in my life alone, but in many of my friend's lives, in stories I've heard both here and back home. It's the most humbling feeling to know that I serve a God like that! A God who is SO big and SO powerful, and completely in control- who gives us a future and a hope that we cannot know apart from Him.
And the most exciting thing about all of this?
This isn't arrival. There's so much more to come.
I mentioned in this post a bit about what God has been doing in me these past few months. (OK, I more than mentioned it.) The irony is that literally the day after I posted that, I went into this period of deep homesickness (mixed with other not-so-fun emotions) that could probably be called the ultimate low point of my time here. I knew this was coming sometime- everything anyone tells you about culture shock always includes you having a time around the middle of your stay where your happiness level is pretty much below zero- but having it hit so suddenly was a bit unnerving. I'll just say here and now that once again, I am so thankful to have the Lord in my life, because I don't know how I would have dealt with that alone.
Overall, one of the main things that I've been learning is how daily life with God looks. And there's this one word that keeps coming to mind: discipline.
This is not a fun thing for me, to be honest. I've never been good with discipline. I'm very experienced in procrastination, and justifying my own reasons for putting things off. This has often included my quiet times with God- I put it off or I do it so quickly because I feel like I can do it right after this TV show, or right after checking my Facebook, or even just after I finish this homework assignment. After all, doesn't God want me to enjoy life? Doesn't he want me to stay in touch with people I love? Doesn't he want my to have good prospects for a happy future?
Well, yes, he wants me to enjoy life. Yes, I believe he does want to surround me with people who I can love and support and get the same in return. Yes, he has great plans for a wonderful future for me. But if that's all apart from Him, if that enjoyable life is not found to be enjoyable because of Him, if that want for friends is not rooted from a desire to be a living witness, if that future is from my own plans and not from His dreams... it amounts to nothing. I've heard the phrase "He is jealous for me" many times before, but I never grasped what it meant until now. He is jealous for me. He wants me all to himself! His ideas of a promising future are completely different from what I had in mind, and they are much more dangerous and thrilling and beautiful. One of the things he gave me in a prayer time recently was a reminder that He knows how to love his children well. I need to learn how to let him. And I think I am learning... though I have a long way to go.
Basically, what I've been trying to say is that for the first time, I'm making a point to set apart time every single day, to pray, to read my Bible, to just spend time with the Lord. I've never been good with discipline- but I'm improving. It may sound boring and mundane, but let me tell you that the last couple of weeks have been some of the most grace-filled and wonderful that I have experienced in all of my life. Literally. I feel like the Lord is everywhere- I've been seeing him working in insane ways, not in my life alone, but in many of my friend's lives, in stories I've heard both here and back home. It's the most humbling feeling to know that I serve a God like that! A God who is SO big and SO powerful, and completely in control- who gives us a future and a hope that we cannot know apart from Him.
And the most exciting thing about all of this?
This isn't arrival. There's so much more to come.
Sunday, November 7, 2010
Updates
It was a pretty good week last week, considering it was the first back to school after midterm. A little rough in the beginning, but overall quite good.
So, I've officially figured out what I'm doing in the near future... sort of.
I know I'm going on the Jamaica trip this summer with PBC, and maybe the YouthCue trip again. That would be quite exciting if I could do both!!
I'm gonna be working all next semester and summer, earning and saving as much as possible. Next year, I will either take a year off and work or go straight into college (that's where it's still a little hazy). Also, I've decided upon what I want to major in: History.
Yay decisions!
And here begins another week.
I apologise for the incredible pointlessness of this post.
So, I've officially figured out what I'm doing in the near future... sort of.
I know I'm going on the Jamaica trip this summer with PBC, and maybe the YouthCue trip again. That would be quite exciting if I could do both!!
I'm gonna be working all next semester and summer, earning and saving as much as possible. Next year, I will either take a year off and work or go straight into college (that's where it's still a little hazy). Also, I've decided upon what I want to major in: History.
Yay decisions!
And here begins another week.
I apologise for the incredible pointlessness of this post.
Monday, November 1, 2010
Things I Love Here
Just a few things I particularly love about this country so far.
-I love the countryside. The physical beauty of this place is everything that you see in pictures and movies, and then some. Ireland is truly about twenty shades of green, with brown and gold and gray mixed in. Driving in the rural areas is also an experience in itself- the roads are about as wide as a normal-sized car with high hedges on both sides, so good luck if you have to pass someone! The coastline is incredible, too. I went on an Art trip a couple weeks ago up and down the Copper Coast (which is also listed as one of the "501 Must-Take Journeys"), and it's one of my favorite things that I've been able to do so far. If you ever are in this art of Ireland, take an afternoon to see it.
-I love the people. I really do. No, they're not all cheery and happy-go-lucky and nosy and overly friendly and singing all the time (though some do); they're just people like any other group of people you'll find anywhere in the world. There's the nice people and the not-so-nice people, the respectable people and the "knackers". However, I will say that the famous Irish sense of humour is in fact one of the best I've ever known (because I've been so many places, you know... haha). And most everyone is really willing to talk to you- I met this very nice older woman on the bus coming in from town last weekend, and we talked for about ten minutes about how strange it was that there were no other bus riders and how it kind of creeped us out. So yes, you can believe the idea that most Irish people are extremely friendly and nice, and they like to have fun.
-I absolutely love the idea that school starts at nine o'clock every morning. Love love love it.
-I love how old this place is. That might sound weird, but it's true. I love that you can drive down almost any given country road and at some point pass an old ruin of some kind built hundreds of years ago, maybe a church or a cottage, or even a dolmen (which are thousands of years old). I love that the city walls in Waterford were built by the Vikings and are still standing. I love that my first night here, my family took me up into Dunhill Castle (google it, it's a bit amazing), and we climbed up into it and looked out over the bog while the sun was setting. Being a citizen of a country on a continent that was really only "colonized" 400 years or so ago, everything older than that has this weird ancient mystique about it. Case in point: while visiting/exploring around a dolmen one day with my host mom and roommate, we stumbled on an old overgrown graveyard. My host mother pointed to one tombstone and exclaimed, "Look, that one isn't old at all!". It was from the 1790s. Just saying.
-I love surfing. I know that activity isn't endemic to Ireland, much less associated with the country, but I do love surfing here. I went Sunday again, and it was extremely cold, but the waves were big because of the storm and the clouds were stunning. I love the sea and anything to do with it, so surfing is definitely my kind fo sport. I am so blessed to be located in Tramore in that sense.
-So many other things. I could go on and on... but I'll leave it here for now. Updates ot this list will be posted pericodically.
-I love the countryside. The physical beauty of this place is everything that you see in pictures and movies, and then some. Ireland is truly about twenty shades of green, with brown and gold and gray mixed in. Driving in the rural areas is also an experience in itself- the roads are about as wide as a normal-sized car with high hedges on both sides, so good luck if you have to pass someone! The coastline is incredible, too. I went on an Art trip a couple weeks ago up and down the Copper Coast (which is also listed as one of the "501 Must-Take Journeys"), and it's one of my favorite things that I've been able to do so far. If you ever are in this art of Ireland, take an afternoon to see it.
-I love the people. I really do. No, they're not all cheery and happy-go-lucky and nosy and overly friendly and singing all the time (though some do); they're just people like any other group of people you'll find anywhere in the world. There's the nice people and the not-so-nice people, the respectable people and the "knackers". However, I will say that the famous Irish sense of humour is in fact one of the best I've ever known (because I've been so many places, you know... haha). And most everyone is really willing to talk to you- I met this very nice older woman on the bus coming in from town last weekend, and we talked for about ten minutes about how strange it was that there were no other bus riders and how it kind of creeped us out. So yes, you can believe the idea that most Irish people are extremely friendly and nice, and they like to have fun.
-I absolutely love the idea that school starts at nine o'clock every morning. Love love love it.
-I love how old this place is. That might sound weird, but it's true. I love that you can drive down almost any given country road and at some point pass an old ruin of some kind built hundreds of years ago, maybe a church or a cottage, or even a dolmen (which are thousands of years old). I love that the city walls in Waterford were built by the Vikings and are still standing. I love that my first night here, my family took me up into Dunhill Castle (google it, it's a bit amazing), and we climbed up into it and looked out over the bog while the sun was setting. Being a citizen of a country on a continent that was really only "colonized" 400 years or so ago, everything older than that has this weird ancient mystique about it. Case in point: while visiting/exploring around a dolmen one day with my host mom and roommate, we stumbled on an old overgrown graveyard. My host mother pointed to one tombstone and exclaimed, "Look, that one isn't old at all!". It was from the 1790s. Just saying.
-I love surfing. I know that activity isn't endemic to Ireland, much less associated with the country, but I do love surfing here. I went Sunday again, and it was extremely cold, but the waves were big because of the storm and the clouds were stunning. I love the sea and anything to do with it, so surfing is definitely my kind fo sport. I am so blessed to be located in Tramore in that sense.
-So many other things. I could go on and on... but I'll leave it here for now. Updates ot this list will be posted pericodically.
Thursday, October 28, 2010
There's this thing called "Life"
Hey.
So, there's this thing called "Life".
It's been happening lately.
It seems like it recently, anyways. I've tried to find a better way to put it, but that's the best that I can do. Life is happening right now.
I know, I know, it's happening all the time, it's been happening since the day I was born, etc etc etc. I get that. But there's something about this whole Ireland experience that has thrown all of that into a little bit of a different perspective. I'll see if I can explain...
On Sunday, Josipa (my German roommate) and I went for a long walk down at the beach. And I do mean a long walk- we went down to the sand dunes and back, which all together is about 10km. For the first half hour, we just began to talk about all this exchange experience is bringing to light for us personally. In a lot of ways, we had the same feelings about it. It's hard to describe to people who haven't done it themselves, but it's something like a sense of accomplishment and achievement, and a wonderful and weird new independence, and it's extremely gratifying to be able to look back and say "Hey, look what I did.... and look what I could do now." My host family kept telling me the first several days that once I did this exchange, I could go and do anything. I didn't quite get what they were saying until these last couple of weeks. Similarly, people kept telling me as I was preparing to leave that this was an incrediblty brave thing to do, and my reaction was kind of just laughing it off, and wondering why I didn't feel very brave about it at all.
But like I said, looking back now, I can see what they mean. I don't mean to "toot my own horn" or anything here, but this was a very brave thing to do. I had only flown twice before, and never on my own. But on the 28th of August, I boarded a plane to Chicago and then to Dublin all by myself. I set off to spend five months with people I had never met before, ever. I stepped out like I never really have ever before in my life. I look back and I can see all the ways that I have grown already in just two months, as a person and in Christ. And I am proud of that.
Do I sound like I'm bragging? I'm really not trying to. There's nothing wrong with being proud of myself, is there? Because I am. But that's not all I'm trying to say here.
Imagine deciding that you want to go to another country, not for a vacation, not for a mission trip, not as a tourist in any sense of the term, but to live there. You might think, "Oh, yay, fun! All these cool stories and experiences and pictures I'll get to have and tell everyone about when I get back! This is going to be great!" But here's the catch: life goes on back home, too. Yes, you will have amazing stories to tell, and you will meet insane people, and you will go to a completely new town and come away feeling like it's just as much your own as Charlotte, North Carolina is. But life back home won't go on a standstill while you're away.
You might be thinking, "Well, of course it won't. Things don't happen that way. Who is this crazy kid, thinking that she will leave and therefore life will stop?" Don't get me wrong, I didn't really believe that America would be like the town in that episode of Arthur where everyone and everything was literally frozen in action until someone found the "key to the city". But I guess in the back of my head, it didn't really click until now that things really will be very different when I go back. Five months will have passed. My friends and family will have changed. Relationships and parties and projects and tragedies will have happened in their lives that I will not have been a part of. And as a person who has this weird fear of missing out on things, that is both a bit scary and a bit sad to me... That is, until I remember that the change isn't only one-sided. That's the difference in perspective that I've beentrying to get at through this whole post.
There's an entry in my prayer journal about how I think this whole Ireland thing was meant to make me grow up. But rereading that now a few weeks later, I think it was more about just making me grow in general. About this time last year, God put a pull on my heart to come here like He never had before. I didn't understand why at the time, just that it was something I needed to respond to. Now I can see that the Lord was calling me away for a very specific purpose: to get me to let go.
You know how the only way to teach some people to swim is to throw them in a pool? They're too scared to get in themselves, or too scared to be in the water without an instructor to hold them up and a flotation device securely under their arm.
Well, continuing with the analogy (which I know isn't exactly perfect for what I'm trying to say, but work with it), imagine that the scared young swimmer is me, and the pool- or perhaps more appropriately, the ocean- is God's vast self. All my life, being blessed enough to grow up in a Christian home, I have had these "swimming lessons" with various instructors, some family members, some sunday school teachers, some youth leaders and pastors, all of whom were excellent. They taught me what God could look like, and they gently (though sometimes also forcefully) drew me into what a life with our Lord could be. I learned all the basics, from how to doggie-paddle to how to float on my back when I'm too tired. Devotionals and sunday school classes, youth group and worship services, mission trips and weekend retreats- these were my "floaties", if you will. The church that I grew up in, as messy and frustrating as it is sometimes, is in a huge part responsible for helping me to where I am now. Those people and experiences gave me a kind of vision of what swimming could look like. I might have had a dream to swim across a bay or maybe the Channel, even if that seemed a very distant reality.
However, there was a problem. As helpful and wonderful as those instructors and floats were, I got used to having them in the water with me. Even while my one arm was splashing in delight and my legs were going a mile a minute, I had become too accustomed to having my other hand firmly holding onto something or someone else that I knew and that felt safe. I couldn't let go. I couldn't jump in for myself. And it wasn't like that was hugely crippling- believe me, God is much bigger than my own faults, and He did work around that and teach me things despite it- but it was there, and it was problematic enough that it occasionally held me back.
So then I came here, to this awesome place. (And when you consider all I just confessed about holding on, that's a testament in itself.) I had to let go of a hell of a lot- my home, half my senior year, my friends, my family, my culture. The first couple of days were some of the scariest of my life, but as typically happens in situations like this, they were also some of the most rewarding. As I've said already in some of my other posts, my time here has been filled with experiences that have completely blown my mind; and as I've said earlier in this post, I've become much more independent and confident and proud of what I have achieved. But there's a converse to all of that, and this side of things needs to be recognized much more than learning to surf or how to count to ten in Irish or budgeting my life so that I'll have enough money for shampoo, because it's the only side of things that matters. And that converse side is about all the ways God has been meeting me. You see, as I've become more independent, I've become more dependent on the Lord's presence and will than ever before. As my confidence has grown, my hunger for Him has grown even more exponentially. As I have done things to be proud of, I'm also being humbled daily with the knowledge that I am nothing without God's grace and mercy. For all the one-of-a-kind experiences I've had, my day is not complete until I can just experience the peace and joy of being with our Saviour. I could go on and on about so much more with this, but you probably get the picture.
So to finish my analogy (and this ridiculously long post), it got to the point in my life where swim intructors and inflatables could only take me so far. Honestly, I think God might have been getting a bit fed up with it all, and so He just threw me right into the middle of the ocean. And praise be to Him, I've not only remembered how to doggie-paddle and float on my back, but He's teaching me all the strokes. He's teaching me how to sprint, how to pace myself, how to dive deeper, and how to come up for air and rest. Who knows what's coming after the next wave- but I know that whatever it is, it will be a life completelty immersed in Him, and that makes all the difference.
So bring it on. Forget the Channel, I feel like swimming the Pacific.
So, there's this thing called "Life".
It's been happening lately.
It seems like it recently, anyways. I've tried to find a better way to put it, but that's the best that I can do. Life is happening right now.
I know, I know, it's happening all the time, it's been happening since the day I was born, etc etc etc. I get that. But there's something about this whole Ireland experience that has thrown all of that into a little bit of a different perspective. I'll see if I can explain...
On Sunday, Josipa (my German roommate) and I went for a long walk down at the beach. And I do mean a long walk- we went down to the sand dunes and back, which all together is about 10km. For the first half hour, we just began to talk about all this exchange experience is bringing to light for us personally. In a lot of ways, we had the same feelings about it. It's hard to describe to people who haven't done it themselves, but it's something like a sense of accomplishment and achievement, and a wonderful and weird new independence, and it's extremely gratifying to be able to look back and say "Hey, look what I did.... and look what I could do now." My host family kept telling me the first several days that once I did this exchange, I could go and do anything. I didn't quite get what they were saying until these last couple of weeks. Similarly, people kept telling me as I was preparing to leave that this was an incrediblty brave thing to do, and my reaction was kind of just laughing it off, and wondering why I didn't feel very brave about it at all.
But like I said, looking back now, I can see what they mean. I don't mean to "toot my own horn" or anything here, but this was a very brave thing to do. I had only flown twice before, and never on my own. But on the 28th of August, I boarded a plane to Chicago and then to Dublin all by myself. I set off to spend five months with people I had never met before, ever. I stepped out like I never really have ever before in my life. I look back and I can see all the ways that I have grown already in just two months, as a person and in Christ. And I am proud of that.
Do I sound like I'm bragging? I'm really not trying to. There's nothing wrong with being proud of myself, is there? Because I am. But that's not all I'm trying to say here.
Imagine deciding that you want to go to another country, not for a vacation, not for a mission trip, not as a tourist in any sense of the term, but to live there. You might think, "Oh, yay, fun! All these cool stories and experiences and pictures I'll get to have and tell everyone about when I get back! This is going to be great!" But here's the catch: life goes on back home, too. Yes, you will have amazing stories to tell, and you will meet insane people, and you will go to a completely new town and come away feeling like it's just as much your own as Charlotte, North Carolina is. But life back home won't go on a standstill while you're away.
You might be thinking, "Well, of course it won't. Things don't happen that way. Who is this crazy kid, thinking that she will leave and therefore life will stop?" Don't get me wrong, I didn't really believe that America would be like the town in that episode of Arthur where everyone and everything was literally frozen in action until someone found the "key to the city". But I guess in the back of my head, it didn't really click until now that things really will be very different when I go back. Five months will have passed. My friends and family will have changed. Relationships and parties and projects and tragedies will have happened in their lives that I will not have been a part of. And as a person who has this weird fear of missing out on things, that is both a bit scary and a bit sad to me... That is, until I remember that the change isn't only one-sided. That's the difference in perspective that I've beentrying to get at through this whole post.
There's an entry in my prayer journal about how I think this whole Ireland thing was meant to make me grow up. But rereading that now a few weeks later, I think it was more about just making me grow in general. About this time last year, God put a pull on my heart to come here like He never had before. I didn't understand why at the time, just that it was something I needed to respond to. Now I can see that the Lord was calling me away for a very specific purpose: to get me to let go.
You know how the only way to teach some people to swim is to throw them in a pool? They're too scared to get in themselves, or too scared to be in the water without an instructor to hold them up and a flotation device securely under their arm.
Well, continuing with the analogy (which I know isn't exactly perfect for what I'm trying to say, but work with it), imagine that the scared young swimmer is me, and the pool- or perhaps more appropriately, the ocean- is God's vast self. All my life, being blessed enough to grow up in a Christian home, I have had these "swimming lessons" with various instructors, some family members, some sunday school teachers, some youth leaders and pastors, all of whom were excellent. They taught me what God could look like, and they gently (though sometimes also forcefully) drew me into what a life with our Lord could be. I learned all the basics, from how to doggie-paddle to how to float on my back when I'm too tired. Devotionals and sunday school classes, youth group and worship services, mission trips and weekend retreats- these were my "floaties", if you will. The church that I grew up in, as messy and frustrating as it is sometimes, is in a huge part responsible for helping me to where I am now. Those people and experiences gave me a kind of vision of what swimming could look like. I might have had a dream to swim across a bay or maybe the Channel, even if that seemed a very distant reality.
However, there was a problem. As helpful and wonderful as those instructors and floats were, I got used to having them in the water with me. Even while my one arm was splashing in delight and my legs were going a mile a minute, I had become too accustomed to having my other hand firmly holding onto something or someone else that I knew and that felt safe. I couldn't let go. I couldn't jump in for myself. And it wasn't like that was hugely crippling- believe me, God is much bigger than my own faults, and He did work around that and teach me things despite it- but it was there, and it was problematic enough that it occasionally held me back.
So then I came here, to this awesome place. (And when you consider all I just confessed about holding on, that's a testament in itself.) I had to let go of a hell of a lot- my home, half my senior year, my friends, my family, my culture. The first couple of days were some of the scariest of my life, but as typically happens in situations like this, they were also some of the most rewarding. As I've said already in some of my other posts, my time here has been filled with experiences that have completely blown my mind; and as I've said earlier in this post, I've become much more independent and confident and proud of what I have achieved. But there's a converse to all of that, and this side of things needs to be recognized much more than learning to surf or how to count to ten in Irish or budgeting my life so that I'll have enough money for shampoo, because it's the only side of things that matters. And that converse side is about all the ways God has been meeting me. You see, as I've become more independent, I've become more dependent on the Lord's presence and will than ever before. As my confidence has grown, my hunger for Him has grown even more exponentially. As I have done things to be proud of, I'm also being humbled daily with the knowledge that I am nothing without God's grace and mercy. For all the one-of-a-kind experiences I've had, my day is not complete until I can just experience the peace and joy of being with our Saviour. I could go on and on about so much more with this, but you probably get the picture.
So to finish my analogy (and this ridiculously long post), it got to the point in my life where swim intructors and inflatables could only take me so far. Honestly, I think God might have been getting a bit fed up with it all, and so He just threw me right into the middle of the ocean. And praise be to Him, I've not only remembered how to doggie-paddle and float on my back, but He's teaching me all the strokes. He's teaching me how to sprint, how to pace myself, how to dive deeper, and how to come up for air and rest. Who knows what's coming after the next wave- but I know that whatever it is, it will be a life completelty immersed in Him, and that makes all the difference.
So bring it on. Forget the Channel, I feel like swimming the Pacific.
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Let's play a game.
Hey kids! Let's play a game. Here's a list of seemingly random things, in no particular order:
Chick-fil-A
Marching Band
Kiwi the cat
Charlotte Children's Choir
Caribou dates with friends
College-ruled notebooks
Festivals concerning cultures (for example, the Greek or Renaissance festival)
CDUB
Now, here is the game: Figure out what all of these have in common.
Stumped?
Well, the thing is, over the past week I've had random moments where I miss these things a lot. Don't get me wrong- I'm not homesick. And that's not me just trying to be all like "Oh, I never get homesick, I'm just too awesome for that!" or anything; I really don't think that I'm homesick right now. I've simply had moments recently where a thought has passed through my mind such as "Wow, a Chick-fil-A sandwich would be SO good right now..." Believe me, there's a big difference between a random passing thought and full-on homesickness. I'm also determined to ward off homesickness as much as humanly possible- so whenever one fo these things comes into my head, I make sure to go get a cup of tea or read another chapter in my book or somehow distract myself. So it really hasn't been bad at all.
Still, a Chick-fil-A chicken sandwich and some waffle fries would be really good right now.
Just saying.
Chick-fil-A
Marching Band
Kiwi the cat
Charlotte Children's Choir
Caribou dates with friends
College-ruled notebooks
Festivals concerning cultures (for example, the Greek or Renaissance festival)
CDUB
Now, here is the game: Figure out what all of these have in common.
Stumped?
Well, the thing is, over the past week I've had random moments where I miss these things a lot. Don't get me wrong- I'm not homesick. And that's not me just trying to be all like "Oh, I never get homesick, I'm just too awesome for that!" or anything; I really don't think that I'm homesick right now. I've simply had moments recently where a thought has passed through my mind such as "Wow, a Chick-fil-A sandwich would be SO good right now..." Believe me, there's a big difference between a random passing thought and full-on homesickness. I'm also determined to ward off homesickness as much as humanly possible- so whenever one fo these things comes into my head, I make sure to go get a cup of tea or read another chapter in my book or somehow distract myself. So it really hasn't been bad at all.
Still, a Chick-fil-A chicken sandwich and some waffle fries would be really good right now.
Just saying.
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